Mike Olson, still basking in last year’s upset win, coasted in for third place (“Hey, I’m already famous! I don’t need to tire myself out any more!”). Gabe “Fly like a caterpillar, sting like a moth!” Yankowitz lost yet again by coming in fourth — this extends his streak to twenty-five straight losses, a record of incompetence even Roger Knight cannot rival! Chris Sullivan (also known as “Jim’s Revenge”) continued to embarrass all the remaining hard-core BHMRers by whomping them with his fifth place finish. John Leeming, the only member of the Youngster Division eligible for Social Security Benefits, amazed the crowd by grabbing sixth place.

The race finished with the usual crew crawling across the finish line: Steve Appel, Charlie Collier, Jim Sullivan, Roger Knight, and Bill Barker. Sullivan, however, is in danger of being disqualified from this year’s race: he is currently under investigation by the Executive Committee for racing under the influence of illegal drugs! His wife, Pat Wrobel, in a tearful interview with the Bunn Hill Memorial Runner investigative reporting team, admitted that Sullivan was regularly engaged in “Aerobic Stogie Training” (the smoking of a cigar after every training run)! “The pressure of the BHMR has driven him to this,” said Wrobel, between sobs. “He was once such a good father, such a good husband…. But now he’s obsessed. Having to face such athletes as Roger Knight and Bill Barker, year after year after year…. It takes its toll, the pressure you know. It’s a male ego thing. He can’t help it. He needs help. Please help him!!”

The only sensible runner was Gary Truce, who dropped out claiming a “calf injury.” Uh huh, sure! (You would think the Ancient Sage could be a little more creative….)

And for a second year in a row, no female runners entered the BHMR. This creates an opportunity that has not gone unnoticed at the national level: Hillary Clinton is currently planning a New York run next year!

WROBEL & SULLIVAN PRAISE BHMR!

BINGHAMTON (VIP) — A recent issue of the Alumni Journal featured a full page article about BHMR Intergenerational Coordinators Pat Wrobel and Jim Sullivan. (Yes, there really are some productive and respectable people who take part in the BHMR. Not many, mind you, but a few….)

The article was deficient, however, in not pointing out how crucial the Bunn Hill Run has been for the quality of Jim and Pat's Binghamton experience [see the lead story…]. According to Pat, “A richer and more rewarding life experience would be hard to come by.” She obviously had forgotten about their yearly encounter with the BHMR! “What is special to me about Binghamton is that it has traditionally been able to tolerate a difference of opinion [Hey Charlie, Bud or Miller?], to grow from it [You mean there are different types of beer?!] and to come to a resolution [One of each!!]…. During my many years on campus I learned, too, how … hospitable it is to older adults returning to their education [Hey, Chalie, after the run how about taking in the Shakespeare lecture before heading to the AARP meeting? What? No, they won’t have Bud or Miller….].”

CAMBRIDGE, MA, Apr. 1, 1999 -- The Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the Walt Disney Company (NYSE: DIS) today announced the signing of an agreement whereby Disney will acquire MIT, a coeducational university located in Cambridge, Massachusetts. This unprecedented acquisition of a non-profit educational institution by a Fortune 500 company will be accomplished by Disney setting up a $6.9 billion cash scholarship trust fund. The fund will be used to reimburse past students for tuition, and provide scholarships for students for the next 20 years.

"The acquisition of MIT represents a new phase for the Walt Disney Company. In recent years, the increased power of computers has made it possible to create dramatic new forms of entertainment ranging from a film like Toy Story to an attraction such as Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland to Internet sites like Disney.com. The addition of some of the nation's finest minds and most original thinkers will help us wisely plot our course into the next century. The talents of MIT faculty and students will uniquely position us to seize the possibilities that technology will be offering", said Michael Eisner, Chairman and CEO of the Walt Disney Company.

The idea of the acquisition grew out of talks between Disney and the MIT Media Lab regarding the next generation of television. "We were very impressed by the technology that MIT had", said Thomas James, a Disney spokesperson. "As we became acquainted with the other assets of MIT, the negotiations expanded to include the whole university. The biggest challenge were the legal hurdles. The non-profit nature of the school dictated that the payment has to be given to charity. The fact that MIT is a land-grant university means that the land has to be given back to the Federal government."

As part of the acquisition, the entire MIT campus will be moved brick by brick down to the Walt Disney resort complex in Orlando, Florida, so that the 153 acres that MIT currently occupies can be returned. "Moving the Institute is a giant undertaking, but I feel that the MIT Civil Engineering department is up for the challenge", said Joel Moses, MIT provost. "The high Florida water table means that the Institute basements and subbasements cannot be underground. We plan to dig out a new Charles river down in Florida, and use the landfill to place the Institute two stories above sea-level, much like the vaunted utilidor system under the Magic Kingdom.

MIT sees many benefits from the acquisition. "The recent tuition riot pointed out that something had to be done about the skyrocketing cost of tuition", Charles Vest, MIT President said. "Besides the large scholarships that the trust fund will provide, the new location in Florida will help us attract students that would ordinarily go to warmer climates such as Palo Alto and Pasadena. The ability to offer Disney stock options will make it easier to recruit and retain world-class professors and staff."

MIT students will see some immediate effects of the Disney acquisition. The various MIT departments and schools will be named after Disney characters. For example, the school of Engineering will become the school of Imagineering, and the Sloan School will be renamed the Scrooge McDuck School of Management. According to Samuel "Jay" Keyser, Professor in the Donald Duck Department of Linguistics, who was on the MIT negotiating team, the first noticeable change will be Disney characters appearing in lectures. "The presence of these characters in class will keep students awake and enhance the learning process," Keyser said, "In time, student morale will be improved by nightly parades down the Infinite corridor, followed by firework displays over the Great Dome."

Once the move to Florida is complete by 2010, the campus will finally have a monorail system and access to the entire Walt Disney World resort complex. Disney says that it intends to immediately benefit from the acquisition by redirecting the resources of the "Land of Computer Science" and the "Artificial Imagination Laboratory" to its internal Information Systems needs, ranging from Year 2000 projects to ride control to improving web security. The biology department will begin to genetically engineer new attractions for Disney's Animal Kingdom, slated to open this Spring. Disney is also planning on an animated cartoon adventure of "Nick the Nerd", slated for release in the summer of 1999. Disney is also considering adding "Noun Poetry" to its Disney Afternoon lineup.

As part of the acquisition, MIT President Charles Vest will receive a pay increase and become Disney Vice President for Nerd Education. Once the move is completed, the school will merge with the Disney Institute and will be renamed the Disney Institute of Technology.

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut the car down.

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FROM THE MAILBAG

Mike “Cap’n America” O’Biien

Investigative Reporter!

22 July 1998
To Mike Olson from the BHMR Editor

Dear Mike,

Wow! You just wrote half of next year's newsletter for me! [See next page for Mike’s contributions!] In appreciation for your obvious investigative and writing talents the BHMR Executive Committee has promoted you to Head of the BHMR Investigative Reporting Division (also known as the Mike Wallace Division).

Of course, with this new position goes certain responsibilities, the primary one being that you cannot now, or at any time in the future --- nor any of your relatives or heirs --- sue the BHMR Executive Committee for any reason whatsoever. Not that you were thinking of that....

*************************

18 July 1998
It is certain now that Kristin and I will be returning to Vestal. Our new address is
Michael & Kristin Olson
333 Tracy Creek Road, Apt. 1
Vestal, NY 13850

Now for some serious business.

Item 1: When you asked me if I had received the newsletter, and I said yes, I was mistaken. I had not seen it, but have since read and reread it with enjoyment. However, I also received a newsletter before the race that looked valid, but was sent from Rockaway, NJ and was suggesting that the race was actually going to occur on Sunday, June 28, a complete week later. Now I don't want to sound accusative but was someone trying to get rid of me? (Can I cause a scandal with this? :- ) )

Item 2: I have contacted my insider at the Vestal Police and an ongoing investigation is occurring as to the said officer who was reported to be harassing water station volunteers. I will keep you up to date on further developments as they are reported to me. I expect that I will be able to provide a revealing story once all the information has been collected.

Item 3: It is true that Gary and I finished with the same time in 1995. However, I was given the 1st place award, which was a lovely can of Nutriment. This prize was nicely wrapped in gold foil paper, with a 1^st place label on it. In addition, the children made up hand drawn awards. I have this "evidence" which I am willing to submit without a court order to an independent counsel if necessary. My only hope is that this issue is resolved quickly so that I can sue for damages and get on with my life, which would be much easier to do after a multi-million dollar settlement!

Item 4: This item was intentionally left blank.

Item 5: Kim Berlin has returned from Maui, and is now residing on Long Island again. She is still adapting to living with people again, having spent the last two years in the rain forest with the birds. (No, not the tough old birds.) I will have her contact you soon with an update.

Item 6: I propose that the "Truce Factor" be reinstated. First, a brief history. It can be traced back to 1982 and possibly earlier. This was a mathematical function used to normalize events that occurred during the cross country season for which Gary was responsible. The end result was that it prevented him from suffering public ridicule by the underclassmen.

For example, when he drove the van down the grassy middle of route 88 while sleeping behind the wheel on a nice sunny October afternoon after the Albany Invitational, and awoke just moments before plunging off a bridge to swerve back onto the road, he casually stated, "I wanted to see how the median would drive". Under normal circumstances, he would have won the Annual Pinhead Award, hands down. However, in order to give everyone else a fair chance at the award, the Truce Factor was developed. Each season, a new Truce Factor was calculated, and Gary's pinhead points were multiplied by the Truce Factor {i.e., 160 x .2564 = 41.024} Clearly, any freshman could easily exceed 40 or 50 pin head points and therefore, could rightfully win the pin head award.

The pinhead award had some stellar prizes as well, which included the literal crock of sh__, a pinhead protector (a foam bicycle helmet, with a coat hanger built into it) and the infamous tin foil profile that looked just like an oscar, only cheaper.

Rather than using the Truce Factor as a "pinhead normalization function", I propose that it now be used to calculate the O.T.H. Division age cut-off. In the long form, it would be known as

[[ YY -45.5 ]* TF]
where YY is the current year, and TF is a Truce Factor of 1. Next year, the O.T.H. division cut off would be [99 - 45.5] * 1 = 53.5. Of course, like all formulas, we will need to spend 3.6 billion dollars solving the "Year-2000" problem.

Item 7: This item was formerly classified as SECRET by the Dept. of Defense but has since been released for public knowledge.

That is all the news that I have for you at this time. I will update you on any further developments that I become aware of.

Mike Olson

It’s not often that the BHMR has serious moments — this is one of them. Our ever faithful and jovial “Official Official,” Joe Knight, passed away on March 4 after a brave struggle with cancer. Joe was an uncommonly fine person, with a spirit far younger than his years. Though it sounds like a cliché, the Bunn Hill Memorial Run will not be the same without him. We extend our sympathies to Joe’s family, especially to his sons Roger and Bob.

 Hoping to bring Joe a little cheer during his illness, I composed and mailed a letter in the appropriate BHMR style. Unfortunately I was too late — the letter arrived the day Joe died. And so I reproduce that letter here, in honor of Joe. If he’s looking down at us, I hope he’ll approve.

*********

Dear Joe,

We heard from Roger about the disturbing turn in your health since January. You have been a model this past year of how to handle adversity with grace and courage — if anyone can beat the odds, it's you.

However…, that still does not mean that the Executive Committee can grant a leave-of-absence from your duties as the BHMR Official Official!

We are sure you will understand our difficult situation. After all, this is not merely a figurehead position such as the High Chancellorship. Certainly not! In fact, the exalted position of Official Official, after nearly twenty years of fine-tuning, is the only executive appointment that has any meaningful function in this whole rag-tag, idiotic organization. It may seem to the uninformed that Corresponding Secretaries and Chancellors are the top dogs in the BHMR — the power elite you might say. However, the Executive Committee knows better!

No, no! A leave-of-absence is certainly impossible! No one would know where to line up (“Charlie! Where was that damn starting line anyway?! I swear they move the roads around each year!”).

And even if we managed to get everyone lined up, who could get us started? (“Gabe! Why don’t you start us? Huh? No, how should I know how to start us? Somebody says something I think. You know, ‘One, two, three, everybody flee,’ something like that. What? Do you start running on the ‘one’, the ‘two’, or the ‘three’? How the h--- should I know?? When Roger wakes up and starts waddling away from the starting line I just follow him. Who starts Roger?? Well, there is that distinguished gentleman — the one who seems to be actually doing something useful — who gets Roger moving. Some people have a natural talent for dealing with the intellectually challenged.”)

And we can’t even contemplate what would happen to the water point crews, escort vehicle caravans, media reporters, race course security and maintenance personnel, etc., etc. (“Hey, Cheryl, should we give ’em fresh water or salt water?”)

Nope, a leave of absence for the Official Official is impossible, simply beyond discussion. Now the Executive Committee wants to be fair (well, actually no, but they gotta avoid lawsuits). So, in a gesture of extreme generosity, they have granted you a five-minute break on race day! (Yes, this is an act of extreme recklessness! The Executive Committee is an organization of amazing daring and courage!)

Having made such an extravagant concession, the Executive Committee is certain there can be no further obstacles to your carrying forth with the duties of the Official Official.

However, we concede that you are as integral a part of the BHMR as anyone can be — yes, you are officially in the ranks of the hardcore — and as such, you are always present, whenever a Bunn Hill Run is held. Over the years you have given freely of your time, your good humor, your love of life, and your love of people. There is a serious side to the Bunn Hill Run — a celebration of friendship. Your friendship is valued by all of us — it is a permanent part of the BHMR, whether you are present or not. There has always been — and always will be — only one Official Official!

Keep up your spirits — you are in all of our thoughts!

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Men's course record: Gary Wallace 36:14 (1981)

Women's course record: Tamara Sayre 42:35 (1990)

Place  / Name  / Time

** Gary Truce calf injury!

WALKERS DIVISION

June 21, 1998 6:30am 6.85 Miles

THE 1999 BHMR COMMITTEE

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