BRANFORD, CT (AP) — Generation X has discovered the Bunn Hill Memorial Run! Ancient Sage Gary Truce shepherded in almost fifteen members of recent Harpur College runners the night before BHMR’96, hoping that they might be influenced by the experience and sagacity of the mighty Bunn Hill Runners (Truce: "Just remember kids, this could happen to you if you lead similar lives of debauchery and negligence!"). The awestruck young people became particular quiet when they realized they were finally in the presence of the legendary Gary Wallace. (Truce: "Do not excite him. He’s likely to pour beer on anyone who disturbs his trance.) And they were extremely reverential when it came to greeting the High Chancellor (Truce: "And also be warned — the IRS is the Dark Side of the Force. The HC could have you audited for the next thirty-seven years.")

The next morning 21 Generation Xers participated in the largest BHMR in history! Attendance records came tumbling down. There were 28 finishers (19 men and 9 women), and the young folk certainly gave the "regulars" some stiff competition. But not to worry, gentle reader! No, the long tradition of Gary Wallace victories, stretching back to the 5th Annual BHMR in 1975, has not been ended! In a heart stopping, brutal, grueling struggle, Wallace beat off a valiant effort by Art Gunter and Warren Kish, crossing the finish line at 41:04, three seconds (!) ahead of his opponents!

Not all of the "regulars" completely understood where the new runners came from. Roger Knight spent most of the run muttering to himself: "Where did..., I mean, how did they find..., er, who are they..., just who do they think they are!..., I have enough trouble with..., I mean, why to me?...." And so on. He continued to mutter on like this for the rest of the day, but as usual nobody paid any attention.

However, strangest of all was "the map." Ten minutes before the start of the run the Generation X Coordinator Elyse Doti (who, incidentally, is the first Gen Xer to gain full membership in the BHMR — congratulations!) was given a "new course map" by an alien from Star Wars (see artist’s rendition). "Yes, " Elyse remarked to a BHMR reporter, "it did seem a little odd to meet an alien — in fact, I honestly can’t remember the last time this happened. But among all the usual BHMR oddballs and loonies the alien seemed to fit in quite well. And he said he was from the Executive Committee...."

The Generation X contingent dutifully followed the new changes (see "Copy of Mystery Map") until Race Coordinator Joe Knight forced them back onto the regular course. "I come and waste two perfectly good hours each year on this bunch of yo-yos," Joe was overheard yelling to them, "and if you think I’m going to hang around for the rest of the afternoon searching Pennsylvania just to find a bunch of lost baby BHMRs, well, that ain’t a-gonna happen! Git back on the course!!" Sure that they would now be disqualified for not following the new course, the Generation Xers dejectedly finished, only to find that their "new" course map was a fraud.

The Executive Committee immediately went into emergency session to assess the situation. According to the High Chancellor, everyone was happy that aliens had decided to visit the run — "I just hope we had a T-shirt that would fit him" — but no one could give a reason why an alien would want to misdirect all these wonderfully idealist young people. The meeting was then adjourned until next year since Wallace announced that he had to return a package to the Binghamton Costume Rental Service.

Alien offering "mystery map" (missing graphic)

"Copy of Mystery Map." (missing graphic)

SENIOR CITIZEN NEWS

VESTAL (AARP) — In news of relevance to senior citizens… The BHMR Executive Committee voted this fall to change the O.T.H. Division age cut-off for 1997 from 50 and 1/2 to 51 and 1/2. The effect of this on the numbers eligible for the O.T.H. Division was not announced.

BRANFORD, CT (AP) — BHMRunner Publisher E.R. White and Editor W.H. Barker strongly denied reports that they had failed to mail copies of recent BHMRunners to non-attending members. "This is simply a slanderous lie," stated Barker. "And besides," he continued,"most people are happy when their amount of junk mail decreases."

However, if anyone has misplaced any recent copies of the BHMRunner, the Publisher has agreed to mail replacement copies "to the disorganized ninnies." If you wish replacement copies, just fill in the simple form shown below and return to W. Barker in Branford, CT.

• • • • • • • • •

RESTON (IRS News Service)—Down through the ages athletic coaches have dedicated themselves to the betterment of their young charges, exposing them to the best examples of sporting excellence and protecting them from the darker and more disreputable aspects of their sport. Following in this revered tradition, Gary Truce unselfishly has shared his BHMR experience — ("It’s made me everything I am today, it really has!") — with twenty-one of his young runners. By introducing these young people to the pinnacle of road racing, Gary Truce has affected these impressionable lives forever, and we proudly declare (for a second year in a row!):

OFFICIAL RESULTS
26th ANNUAL BUNN HILL MEMORIAL RUN,
FANATICS DIVISION
June 23, 1996 6.85 Miles

Men's course record: Gary Wallace 36:14 (1981)
Women's course record: Tamara Sayre 42:35 (1990)

Place Name Time

1 Gary Wallace 41:04
2 Art Gunther 41:07
2 Warren Kish 41:07
4 Dan Harrison 43:17
4 Jeff Moreland 43:17
4 Crazy Joe Weiss 43:17
7 Mighty Paul Quinn 43:38
8 Gabe Yankowitz 43:39
9 Josh Kantowitz 44:31
10 Michael Lee 46:30
11 Paul Bennet 47:18
12 Jamie "Gak" Kimberley 48:20
13 Gary Truce 51:20
14 Chris White 54:04
15 Steve Appel 56:32
16 Kathy Barone 58:38
16 Kelli Bert 58:38
16 Elyse Doti 58:38
16 Melissa Epstein 58:38
16 Erin Kelly 58:38 
16 Mary Ellen Lennon 58:38
16 Lauren Wallack  58:38
16 DebWidman   58:38
24 Rudolf "Freight Train" Carlstein 59:02
24 Roger Knight  59:02
26 Jim Sullivan 64:54
27 Bill Barker 66:07
28 Kristin Minalick 68:20

4th ANNUAL PRESERVE YOUR LIFE DIVISION

June 23, 1996 Unmeasured!

Ellen Appel {No times allowed!}
Lauren Appel *
Morgan Appel
Betsy White
Alana Yankowitz